In this FoCuSeD™ Facilitation Tidbit series, I’ll share my tidbits on “how to” constructively work in meetings with “difficult” people.
Setting the Stage
Never label someone as a “difficult” person. This person may have an issue that is causing him or her to display difficult behavior. Identify the problem, not the “problem person”. People are motivated by needs: the need to control, to excel, and to bond. Whenever any of these needs are not met, people display difficult behavior. A basic underlying assumption in working with people is that people can be reasonable, don’t like to be blamed or embarrassed, and want to be respected.
The “How to” …
When in meetings, determine first what is the motivating factor and correct what is causing the behavior (see Setting the Stage). If you cannot correct the cause of the problem, then:
- Mitigate the symptom:
- Establish and enforce norms (see Tidbit #1 - Norms).
- Use body positioning – stand near or in front of the “difficult” person.
- Use eye contact – it lets the person know that you are aware of his or her behavior.
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During a break talk to the person. Don’t say, “You have been distracting. What is your problem?” You won’t get a useful response. Instead, say, “I noticed something is bothering you. What is happening?”
- As a last resort, have the problem person removed. A “problem person” can disrupt the entire meeting with his or her behavior.
Meeting Basics
Meetings can be productive or troublesome. Some simple steps make meetings more productive and help avoid "difficult" people. Meetings are necessary for people to work together, so making them poroducti is important. Here are some simple steps that will improve your meetings:
- Always prepare - talk to the attendees before the meeting and clarify the purpose and who should attend.
- Always have an Agenda - I tell my students, "If you attend a meeting and there is no agenda, you have my permission to leave." The agenda helps keep the meeting on track.
- Always prepare a Charter - the purpose, scope, and outcomes of the meeting are important and need to be known before the meeting.
- Send the Agenda and Charter to the attendees when you invite them. It helps prepare them and ensures that you have the right attendees.
- Explain the Agenda and Charter then establish Norms (see Tidbit #1 - Norms) at the start of the meeting.
Tidbit #1 – Norms
When in meetings, establish behavior ‘norms’ with the people. Ask them to define what ‘norms’ they would like to follow, e.g., respect all views, one conversation at a time, etc. Keep it simple (KIS) and keep the norms positive, e.g., phones on mute (positive), no phone calls (negative). The people will support enforcing the norms so that the norms become theirs.
Tidbit #2 – The Latecomer
Characteristics… Always comes in late, makes a “show” of arrival, insists on “catching up” disrupting the meeting midstream.
What to Do… Establish and enforce the punctuality norm “Be on Time”; do not allow The Latecomer to disrupt the meeting. Talk to The Latecomer during a break to determine the cause.
Tidbit #3 - The Early Leaver
Characteristics… The Early Leaver drains the group’s energy and morale by leaving the meeting earlier than expected impacting the ability of the group to make decisions.
Example… You are in a meeting and an attendee says, “I have to leave ….”
What to Do… At the start of the meeting, establish and enforce the “Be Present” norm (see Tidbit #1); do not allow The Early Leaver to disrupt the meeting. After The Early Leaver leaves, check with the other attendees to determine if there is an impact on their ability to continue the meeting and gain consensus about what action to take regarding the meeting. If you know about The Early Leaver ahead of time, talk to him or her to reemphasize the importance of the meeting and/or adjust the schedule.
Tidbit #4 - The Broken Record
Characteristics… The Broken Record brings up the same issue repeatedly; constantly tries to focus discussion on his or her issue, preventing the group from going forward.
Example… You are in a meeting and “Fred” continues to repeat, “I’m concerned about ….”
What to Do… At the start of an in-person meeting, set up a flip chart or a separate document that can be viewed (if you are virtual) labeled “Parking Lot”. The Broken Record needs to know that he or she is heard. If the issue is relevant, discuss it, otherwise paraphrase the issue, and post it as a Parking Lot item (write it down) to discuss later – check with The Broken Record to ensure it is captured accurately and refocus the discussion to the task at hand.
Tidbit #5 – The Doubting Thomas
Characteristics… The Doubting Thomas is skeptical and cynical; doubts if the process will work.
Example… You are in a meeting and Sally or Bob brings up, “I’m not sure that this will get us to the ….”
What to Do… Do not defend the process. Acknowledge the concern, “I hear what you are saying, but since we are already here, why don’t we give it a chance and see what happens?” Elicit cooperation, “In the meantime, I need your cooperation.” Note: If The Doubting Thomas has a suggestion, listen, don’t dismiss it without due discussion and check back with him or her to ensure that the concern is addressed and the process is working.
Tidbit #6 – The Chronic Naysayer
Characteristics… The Chronic Naysayer is aggressively negative. Always “bursts the bubble” by saying something like “That will never work.” or “We tried that 10 years ago and…” Note: The Chronic Naysayer can disrupt an entire workshop if not dealt with right away.
What to Do… Confront The Chronic Naysayer, “I hear what you are saying. What will make it work?” Persist that he or she offer a positive solution (write it down immediately if he or she does) or say, “Give it a chance and see what happens.”
Tidbit #7 – The Whisperer(s)
Characteristics… The Whisperer(s) is constantly whispering or holding “offside” conversations during the meeting. He or she can upstage you as well as other group members.
What to Do… Stand close to The Whisperer(s), it will stop their conversation. Remind everyone of the “one conversation at a time” norm (see Tidbit #1). Note: I have had people whisper to get something translated or clarified for understanding – give them permission so they can participate.
Tidbit #8 – The Head Shaker
Characteristics… The Head Shaker actively expresses disapproval through nonverbal cues, i.e., rolling eyes, shaking head, crossing and uncrossing arms, sighing, etc. He or she covertly influences group to reject an idea.
What to Do… Confront The Head Shaker by asking him or her to verbally express his or her opinion. Do not allow these nonverbal cues to continue.
Tidbit #9 – The Dropout
Characteristics… The Dropout sits away from the group; expresses disapproval or dislike by ignoring the proceedings; may read, do unrelated paperwork, etc., to avoid getting engaged.
What to Do… Use your “lasered focusing” to let him or her know that you see what he or she is doing. Do not publicly ask for participation. Talk to during a break. Do not allow it to continue.
Tidbit #10 – The Loudmouth
Characteristics… The Loudmouth talks out of turn; dominates the discussion; may be someone who has a higher rank than other group members.
What to Do… Direct conversation away from him or her by standing on an angle directly in front of the person only for a short time. Talk to during a break.
Tidbit #11 – The Back-Seat Driver
Characteristics… The Back-Seat Driver keeps telling you what to do – or not do; attempts to control the meeting by downgrading your efforts.
What to Do… Listen to the comments – they may be good; do not turn over control; keep focused. Talk to during a break; enforce roles.
Tidbit #12 – The Attacker
Characteristics… The Attacker launches verbal, personal attacks on group members and/or you; constantly ridicules the views of a specific group member.
What to Do… Stand between the attacker and other group member to stop subtle and not so subtle attacks. Add additional Norms (see Tidbit #1) and use Active Listening to understand the underlying issue.
Tidbit #13 – The Interpreter
Characteristics… The Interpreter always speaks for someone else, usually without invitation to do so; restates ideas and frequently distorts it in the process.
What to Do… Get the original speaker to confirm his or her thoughts without embarrassing or putting the interpreter on the spot.
Tidbit #14 – The Gossiper
Characteristics… The Gossiper brings hearsay or rumors into the meeting; attempts to shift power by appearing to be the “authority”; moves group towards argument or debate over the “truth” of the information.
What to Do… You may have to take a break to get substantiation; allow others in the meeting to confirm or deny; set Norm (see Tidbit #1) to leave hearsay or rumors out of the meeting.
Tidbit #15 – The Know-it-All
Characteristics… The Know-it-All uses credentials, seniority, etc., to argue a point; focuses group on opinion and status as opposed to the “real” issue.
What to Do… Capture all group ideas without names on a flip chart or white board. Discuss the ideas and ask the group to validate without attributing the ideas to any one person – these ideas now belong to the whole group. This allows the group to capture and validate the ideas without embarrassing the Know-it-All.
Tidbit #16 – The Busybody
Characteristics… The Busybody is always ducking in and out of the meeting, does not hold calls, tries to give impression of being too “busy” to devote full attention to the meeting.
What to Do… Do not allow the Busybody to disrupt the meeting – talk to during a break. Set clear Norms – “Start and end on time” (see Tidbit #1).
Tidbit #17 – The Interrupter
Characteristics… The Interrupter interrupts discussions and cuts off someone else’s comments; feels impatient, too concerned that own ideas won’t be acknowledged.
What to Do… Stop the Interrupter immediately; always get back to him or her but do not allow him or her to interrupt.
Tidbit #18 – The Jealous Follower
Characteristics… The Jealous Follower wants your job and may do whatever is necessary to take control.
What to Do… Listen to the comments – they may be good; do not turn over control; keep focused. Talk to during breaks; enforce roles.
Tidbit #19 – The Teacher's Pet
Characteristics… The Teacher’s Pet spends more time and energy trying to win your approval than on contributing; can potentially “hook” you into giving “strokes” at the expense of others..
What to Do… Rearrange seating so that he or she is sitting away from you; be careful about hurting their feelings; direct their enthusiasm towards the task at hand.
I hope these FoCuSeD™ Facilitation Tidbits have proven valuable to you and feel free to contact me with questions…
Stay tuned… I will be sharing my ‘Virtual Meeting Tidbits’ for ”how to” improve remote and hybrid meetings along with “how to” deal with the various circumstances that may arise given the complicated nature of the meetings...
WARNING: Do not try this with your spouse if you want to survive!!! 
